and I'll huff.....

So it’s been almost 2 years now and this still, to this day, gives me the willies. Even now if a certain dog that even remotely resembling a wolf comes running at me, I wanna crumble to the ground, curl up in a fetal position and whimper in abject terror as I pee my pants. I am a dog lover, always have been…at one point I even wanted to make a living as a dog trainer. Now over the years I keep hearing of people who say, “I want a wolf” and I have to say “ARE YOU FRICKEN NUTS!” after smacking them back to reality. People have no idea…no idea at all….I heard this yet again today from someone else and of course this incident came to mind. My grandfather always said, “never trust a wild animal” and ya know what? He was right.

I had gone to visit my friend in the interior of BC, a place that’s a pretty big vacation/summer spot. Close to where we were staying there was a “wolf center” with wolves that were either rescued and/or born in captivity and who could not be re-introduced into the wild. They are kept in big pens at the center and a few times a day the people who run the place take them out on hikes for exercise. For the small fee of $100, you can go along too! Sounds just lovely, like some mystical fantastical once in a lifetime experience and of course their brochure boasts all sorts of pictures of people who have done this. They all look so utterly happy with that smiling look of wonder as their eyes say “look at us cohabitating with the wolves and not being eaten alive!”. So I thought, HEY!, this was great and wanted to do something special for my 40th birthday coming up and so like a fricken idiot I booked my friend and I a time. (she wanted to do it to I might add, I never once coerced her ANY way!) I had all sorts of wonderful visions in my head about getting all these great shots with me and some wolves ...but this is me we are talking about…lol

We make the drive to the facility and they load us and the wolves into a truck (wolves in the bed) and we drive to a trail head. There's my friend, me, another couple and the couple that runs the center. On the way they give us the run down about what to expect and what to do and what not to do, ya know, your usual “hiking with wolves” debrief. “Don't approach the wolves let them come to you”.....”they will eventually warm up to you and get comfortable with you”, “then they will eventually approach you and sniff your crotch if they feel comfortable enough with you” etc etc. A short time later I would be wishing that they had debriefed us on the signs of “when a 120 pound male wolf is feeling just a little TOO comfortable with you”...

So we get to the trail head and we all get out of the truck. Wylie, the 120 pound male, immediately proceeds to walk by me a few times brushing up against my legs. Just me, no one else. “Cool!” is what I am thinking at this point as the other couple look on in envy. Then a few minutes down the trail he comes up to me and does the crotch sniffing thing….just jams his big snout right in there without hesitation, like only a male would. Again he does this to just me, no one else...so I am thinking “this is great, I rock, I am one with the wolves!!! He totally loves me and I will be going home with all these kick-ass shots of me and him, the best of buddies and I can treasure them for a lifetime!”

Well....not so fast! (I should pause here just to say that the couple heading the show actually had a plastic container full of raw deer meat as treats for these guys…a long way from Scoobie Snacks I must say!)

A short time later we stop by a river and the head guy says “maybe we should sit down and see if they are comfortable enough to approach you”. In hindsight I don’t see any situation where a 120 pound wolf with hideously big teeth and a hankerin’ for raw flesh wouldn’t feel comfortable approaching a 125 pound woman like myself but hey, what do I know?

So at this point I am STILL the eager, naive idiot and happily find a rock to sit upon, all ready, willing and able to become one with nature and have the mystical experience of a lifetime. Well, it doesn't take long for Wylie to come over and walk by me a few times, love struck as he most obviously was. So I stuck my hand out slightly hoping he'll give it a sniff or something when he decides to come back around for another brush up against me. Well he does this…comes back, sniffs my hand and then settles right up in front of me and basically between my legs. Cool huh? Well…not so fast! I start petting him gently (all the while anticipating the really awesome pictures that I, the LUCKY one on THIS hike, am going to get!) Then he proceeds to lick my leg with his enormous dead deer/bloody/raw meat/smelling wolf tongue. Still under the spell of naivety I am still thinking how absolutely amazing this is.



Well whatever yummy thing he tasted on my leg he wanted more of (probably raw meat, I dunno, I be wrong here), so he opens his mouth and proceeds to rake his teeth agaisnt my leg, in a biting motion albeit gentle but still, HELLO! Needless to say I am getting slightly uncomfortable. Then he licks a few more times and does the teeth thing again, a little more harder this time. And this process repeats a couple more times, his teeth biting down harder and harder each time. Sorry but now I ain’t quite feeling the mystical anymore! I tell him "NO...no biting please" in a nervous kinda apologetic voice that the head couple hear and who begin to head over. Though they ARE a fair distance away cuz god forbid you should actually be close to people who your pet carnivores approach.

Wylie does the teeth thing again, even harder this time, rapidly nearing the skin puncturing stage, and panic sets in. The rest happened so fast and is a bit of a blur. I recall my hand on his head, formerly petting and now clenched into his fur and my arm tightened and straight in a way as if to try and hold his massive fang infested head away from me. He's still between my legs somewhat and is really maybe only about a foot from my face. But my trying to hold him back? Yeah he didn't like so much and now he begins to growl menacingly….in my face! I can't tell you the complete and total fear of having a wolf right there in your face and growling at you, giving you that “I am going to fricken kill you” look. The head couple are now starting to scream at Wylie as they come running as fats as they can and also scream at me repeatedly to stop holding him back. Are you f*cking kidding me?? When a wolf wants a better taste of me sorry but it's just a natural reaction to try and prevent him from doing just that. Eventually though, whatever they said sank in, (and maybe a little of my dog training came to me too) and in that slow motion way, I took my hand off of him and then bent closer to him and yelled into his face "BACK OFF!" in a very authoritative voice...I suppose all in a vain hope that since being authoritative in dog training works, it just may work here too. But he’s still stood there growling at me despite my yelling at him, but at least didn't proceed to attack me….yet.

Well the head guy gets there and steps in between us, gives the wolf shit and Wylie?...he just ain't happy one bit. Now he goes to my friend and as he attempts to stick his nose up her shorts as he growls at her. They get him away from her and get a leash on him. After a few minutes for some reason know only to their disillusioned “we’ve been hanging out with wolves WAY too much” brains, they let him off the leash and I make a b-line to get myself far, far, FAR away, but my friend is closer and he goes to her and growls at her again. WTF? They get him back on the leash and he is just continues to growl all menacingly like, the tough male pre-menstrual alpha wolf that he most obviously is, and giving the girl handler a really hard time, even growling at her as she's holding him on his leash and telling him off.

At this point my friend and I have had all the “up close and persona mystical, life changing” wolf experience we could ever want for our lifetimes and decide to call it a day. The head guy agrees (gee…surprise!) to take us back to the center and I kid you not, as we were walking away that wolf was straining on the leash wanting to come after us, as if we had bathed in fresh baby deer blood only that morning!

We got back to the center but the part where I had him clenched in my fist and was holding him off while he was growling? I couldn't get past that...not at all. I managed to make it back to the center and into the bathroom before losing it totally, crumpling onto the floor in a heap of trembling sobbing pathetic-ness. After a time I tried to get myself together but just could not get past that moment and ended up going to the hospital for some drugs that make you all happy to have almost been mauled by a 120 pound wolf with horribly big teeth and bad smelling breath.

Sometime I’ll tell ya about my horse experience.