Trial by fire

This post is more for me than anyone and I don't expect anyone to suffer through it. It's pretty personal but not too much so that I feel embarassed by it. Though those that are close to me will probably like to know what's going through my mind. This is a mental purging of sorts, something I needed to write to get out. As with any emotion I always need to write.It's so very good for the soul.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’ve been on a carnival ride lately….albeit an emotional one. For the past week I’ve been on my own personal emotional rollercoaster that’s been taking me for the ride of my life and won’t let me off. It’s no wonder too. In the past 3 weeks I have felt deeply just about every emotion you could possibly imagine. Shock, despair, devastation, hurt, anger, rage, pure happiness and joy, fun, love….you name it I visited it recently.

Last time I was on this kind of roller coaster was right before I was diagnosed with depression. I’m not worried though. Last time it was situational and I am not chronic. Plus I have the skills now to cope and I honestly don’t “feel” like I am going there. Besides the roller coaster I feel overwhelmed as well and no wonder…with all I have been feeling lately. Keith (aka super duper naturopath type person) told me I am delving back into the feelings of depression because I “forgot” something when I was there the last time, didn’t learn something that I shoulda, didn’t take something away that I should have, didn’t change in a way that I should have. I did change a lot after going through severe depression. I learned a lot for sure and don’t regret for a moment going through it and I would certainly go through it again for what I learned. I became a much better person for it. But funny enough for the last two days I had been thinking just the same thing. I learned, I changed, but there was still something missing. I “kinda” got who I wanted to be, who I was, but wasn’t quite there yet. So who knows as of yet what I didn’t take with me last time. How will I know when I find it? Well I dunno…lol…

He did say I need to grieve. I need to let my emotions happen, feel them, let them out. How did I get so bad at doing that? Sucking it up over and over I guess. On the bus ride home I thought, how does one grieve properly? How do you know if you’re doing it right? Are you just sad for a while and cry a lot? And how do you know when it’s over? Did I grieve enough for my mom or are there still vestiges of that left to deal with too? How do I grieve for Wayne when I can’t feel the “missing” of his presence?

When I got home and began to make dinner, a spicy fiery meal to compliment this “cleansing by fire”. I thought about my friend Wayne who had just passed before Christmas. I allowed my mind to go where it would. Wayne and I, although we’d been friends for over 20 years, didn’t spend much time together ever since he got with his wife. She was insecure about our friendship. We often talked about meeting up for lunch during the day when she was at work but never did. I am sure he wasn’t comfortable with that really and respected his wife’s feelings. I accepted that. But that acceptance changes when that friend dies. And now it hit me then what was bothering me the most. To him I wasn’t a good enough friend for him to deal with that and make it right. I wasn’t important enough to him to make the effort to see me. Whether or not that’s all the truth of it doesn’t matter, because that’s how I feel. I sobbed heartily over this, I still am actually. Hurt…I feel an awful, AWFUL lot of hurt.

Then I got to thinking of all my other male friends, Steve, Keith, an old friend Tracey, Al, ALL have significant others who don’t like them spending time with me. Jayzuz. Most I only can spend time with if they lie to their girlfriends about it. Honestly if I wanted to be with any of these men I would be….would have been, a LONG time ago. Maybe I should be flattered that these women view me as some irresistible siren for who their men have absolutely no strength to fight. But in the end I am robbed of time with a good friend, robbed of saying goodbye, of one last chat, one last hug, one last shared smile, one last shared laugh. And all because of a women’s insecurity and inability to deal with it? How do I deal with that? I lost SO much because through my times with Wayne I gained so much…if that makes sense. So much laughter, so many good times, and so many good times with my family, so much good advice, such a big shoulder to cry on and he IS the one who brought me out of my shyness. It’s so very true. You never realize how important someone is to you until you lose them.

Keith says I am going through a very powerful time right now….and I agree. So very many emotions all at once, bombarding me, overwhelming me, taking me under and making not want to resist them anymore. I have already felt a shift in myself, a change for the better. I can imagine after all is said and done, after all the healing is complete, I shall emerge a different person…again for the better. Transformed by this cleansing through fire, cleansed of all my ills and renewed….reborn.

This is a journey for sure, a long tough one, but in the end I am sure worth every bit of pain, every tear, every day of not having chocolate. I can actually hardly wait to meet the person I will become.

shhhh don't say it's a new year

Everyone’s been making New Year’s blog posts and so now I feel like I should make one too. Only thing is as much as I would like to sound all positive about 2010 the previous years have taught me that doing so only ends up jinxing me. But then on the other hand I don’t wanna end up sounding negative…so what do I have left? I’ve been trying to not think about 2010 too much. Have been just laying here fighting back the paranoia of 2010 by drowning myself in sappy romantic girly movies as my heart longs for a can of whipped crème.

After ending 2008 on a fairly good note I was still looking to have more in 2009. But I think it’s when you say things like “2008 was good, better than 2007 and so in theory 2009 should be even better” that some sort of evil hateful karma troll shows up to screw with you. Sure it gave me the first 4 months or so as a teaser, but it’s when you are all comfy in your new year that he’s most likely to show up. Then shit happens like near death experiences due to laxatives. (No pun intended)

I could have been okay if it had ended there. My week long novel writing course had finally got me geared up to start the damn thing, and plans were in place! But then came the severe Crohn’s disease diagnosis and this subsequent journey into the Specific Carbohydrate Diet hell that has become my life. And of course the evil hateful karma troll can’t be satisfied with that. Oh no he’s got to make every bus ride I take be a torture in itself by finding someone with take out food to sit right beside me. And the guy moaning on his Subway sandwich in front of me on the Seabus? Lucky to be alive! As he opened the crisp wrapper, revealing the sub in all it’s deli meat glory the decadent aroma wafted out to tease my nose. And as the mayo oozed out the side of the sandwich when he bit into it my eyes glazed over. Heat suffused my body, causing a trickle of sweat to inch down my brow. I began to salivate….to tremble. I could see the headlines…. “Woman freaks out on seabus, ends up sprawled on floor shoving sub into her face while growling menacingly..” Dear god if I can just have a sandwich! But after 5 different gag worthy almond flour bread recipes and 2 oven fires later I give up on the thought of having one til at least summer. –frumps-

Then as the lovely Christmas season approaches one of my best friends, my oldest friend, passes away. Was it a surprise? Well apparently only to me since his wife failed to tell me his was in the hospital. So no more time spent together, no goodbyes, he’s just…gone. That’s all I am able to say for now…..

So now it’s a new year, dare I hope it can be better? Bumps in the road happen and there are always hurtles to jump, those will never ever be entirely avoided. Over all I feel pretty good and things will hopefully continue to improve. So I guess for this New Year all I will wish for is to grab my fun where I can find it, live, laugh, love, and when the world shoves me around just keep shoving back. Avoid laxatives, wolves, internet dating, Pilates bands, , Newfie GPS's, rude men at the Louvre, stinging insects inside my clothing, and men in hot tubs who stand FACING the jets.

But of course there’s always wine….:)…Happy New Year!