Trial by fire

This post is more for me than anyone and I don't expect anyone to suffer through it. It's pretty personal but not too much so that I feel embarassed by it. Though those that are close to me will probably like to know what's going through my mind. This is a mental purging of sorts, something I needed to write to get out. As with any emotion I always need to write.It's so very good for the soul.

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I’ve been on a carnival ride lately….albeit an emotional one. For the past week I’ve been on my own personal emotional rollercoaster that’s been taking me for the ride of my life and won’t let me off. It’s no wonder too. In the past 3 weeks I have felt deeply just about every emotion you could possibly imagine. Shock, despair, devastation, hurt, anger, rage, pure happiness and joy, fun, love….you name it I visited it recently.

Last time I was on this kind of roller coaster was right before I was diagnosed with depression. I’m not worried though. Last time it was situational and I am not chronic. Plus I have the skills now to cope and I honestly don’t “feel” like I am going there. Besides the roller coaster I feel overwhelmed as well and no wonder…with all I have been feeling lately. Keith (aka super duper naturopath type person) told me I am delving back into the feelings of depression because I “forgot” something when I was there the last time, didn’t learn something that I shoulda, didn’t take something away that I should have, didn’t change in a way that I should have. I did change a lot after going through severe depression. I learned a lot for sure and don’t regret for a moment going through it and I would certainly go through it again for what I learned. I became a much better person for it. But funny enough for the last two days I had been thinking just the same thing. I learned, I changed, but there was still something missing. I “kinda” got who I wanted to be, who I was, but wasn’t quite there yet. So who knows as of yet what I didn’t take with me last time. How will I know when I find it? Well I dunno…lol…

He did say I need to grieve. I need to let my emotions happen, feel them, let them out. How did I get so bad at doing that? Sucking it up over and over I guess. On the bus ride home I thought, how does one grieve properly? How do you know if you’re doing it right? Are you just sad for a while and cry a lot? And how do you know when it’s over? Did I grieve enough for my mom or are there still vestiges of that left to deal with too? How do I grieve for Wayne when I can’t feel the “missing” of his presence?

When I got home and began to make dinner, a spicy fiery meal to compliment this “cleansing by fire”. I thought about my friend Wayne who had just passed before Christmas. I allowed my mind to go where it would. Wayne and I, although we’d been friends for over 20 years, didn’t spend much time together ever since he got with his wife. She was insecure about our friendship. We often talked about meeting up for lunch during the day when she was at work but never did. I am sure he wasn’t comfortable with that really and respected his wife’s feelings. I accepted that. But that acceptance changes when that friend dies. And now it hit me then what was bothering me the most. To him I wasn’t a good enough friend for him to deal with that and make it right. I wasn’t important enough to him to make the effort to see me. Whether or not that’s all the truth of it doesn’t matter, because that’s how I feel. I sobbed heartily over this, I still am actually. Hurt…I feel an awful, AWFUL lot of hurt.

Then I got to thinking of all my other male friends, Steve, Keith, an old friend Tracey, Al, ALL have significant others who don’t like them spending time with me. Jayzuz. Most I only can spend time with if they lie to their girlfriends about it. Honestly if I wanted to be with any of these men I would be….would have been, a LONG time ago. Maybe I should be flattered that these women view me as some irresistible siren for who their men have absolutely no strength to fight. But in the end I am robbed of time with a good friend, robbed of saying goodbye, of one last chat, one last hug, one last shared smile, one last shared laugh. And all because of a women’s insecurity and inability to deal with it? How do I deal with that? I lost SO much because through my times with Wayne I gained so much…if that makes sense. So much laughter, so many good times, and so many good times with my family, so much good advice, such a big shoulder to cry on and he IS the one who brought me out of my shyness. It’s so very true. You never realize how important someone is to you until you lose them.

Keith says I am going through a very powerful time right now….and I agree. So very many emotions all at once, bombarding me, overwhelming me, taking me under and making not want to resist them anymore. I have already felt a shift in myself, a change for the better. I can imagine after all is said and done, after all the healing is complete, I shall emerge a different person…again for the better. Transformed by this cleansing through fire, cleansed of all my ills and renewed….reborn.

This is a journey for sure, a long tough one, but in the end I am sure worth every bit of pain, every tear, every day of not having chocolate. I can actually hardly wait to meet the person I will become.

shhhh don't say it's a new year

Everyone’s been making New Year’s blog posts and so now I feel like I should make one too. Only thing is as much as I would like to sound all positive about 2010 the previous years have taught me that doing so only ends up jinxing me. But then on the other hand I don’t wanna end up sounding negative…so what do I have left? I’ve been trying to not think about 2010 too much. Have been just laying here fighting back the paranoia of 2010 by drowning myself in sappy romantic girly movies as my heart longs for a can of whipped crème.

After ending 2008 on a fairly good note I was still looking to have more in 2009. But I think it’s when you say things like “2008 was good, better than 2007 and so in theory 2009 should be even better” that some sort of evil hateful karma troll shows up to screw with you. Sure it gave me the first 4 months or so as a teaser, but it’s when you are all comfy in your new year that he’s most likely to show up. Then shit happens like near death experiences due to laxatives. (No pun intended)

I could have been okay if it had ended there. My week long novel writing course had finally got me geared up to start the damn thing, and plans were in place! But then came the severe Crohn’s disease diagnosis and this subsequent journey into the Specific Carbohydrate Diet hell that has become my life. And of course the evil hateful karma troll can’t be satisfied with that. Oh no he’s got to make every bus ride I take be a torture in itself by finding someone with take out food to sit right beside me. And the guy moaning on his Subway sandwich in front of me on the Seabus? Lucky to be alive! As he opened the crisp wrapper, revealing the sub in all it’s deli meat glory the decadent aroma wafted out to tease my nose. And as the mayo oozed out the side of the sandwich when he bit into it my eyes glazed over. Heat suffused my body, causing a trickle of sweat to inch down my brow. I began to salivate….to tremble. I could see the headlines…. “Woman freaks out on seabus, ends up sprawled on floor shoving sub into her face while growling menacingly..” Dear god if I can just have a sandwich! But after 5 different gag worthy almond flour bread recipes and 2 oven fires later I give up on the thought of having one til at least summer. –frumps-

Then as the lovely Christmas season approaches one of my best friends, my oldest friend, passes away. Was it a surprise? Well apparently only to me since his wife failed to tell me his was in the hospital. So no more time spent together, no goodbyes, he’s just…gone. That’s all I am able to say for now…..

So now it’s a new year, dare I hope it can be better? Bumps in the road happen and there are always hurtles to jump, those will never ever be entirely avoided. Over all I feel pretty good and things will hopefully continue to improve. So I guess for this New Year all I will wish for is to grab my fun where I can find it, live, laugh, love, and when the world shoves me around just keep shoving back. Avoid laxatives, wolves, internet dating, Pilates bands, , Newfie GPS's, rude men at the Louvre, stinging insects inside my clothing, and men in hot tubs who stand FACING the jets.

But of course there’s always wine….:)…Happy New Year!

Here's yer witty post now shaddup

For the "embarrassing moment of the month" to win ladies!

So a couple months ago I discovered a place close to work that teaches Western Martial arts, aka swordfighting, yada yada. I fenced many years ago and decided it was something I would like to get back into. I’ve never been all that great at joining in group things but I go with my usual just suck it up and do it mantra.

Thing is I am always paranoid of making a bad first impression with people in places where I will be spending some amount of time. If it were a one shot deal no problem I normally don’t give a shit and so am far more comfortable. In Europe? I’d talk to almost anyone with no care, hell I’ll never see them again! But at this new place I am not only going to have to show up but end up performing in certain weaponry manner in front of other people. All kinds of potential for all kinds of humiliating experiences especially when you’re talking about me….

So the other week I leave work to go to class which is several blocks away. I make sure I look my best, always something that makes me feel more confident. I self-talk myself into the confident out going person I know I can be and off I go! It’s just a rapier class, what could possibly happen?

On this particular day there's a rain and wind warning and let me tell you they weren’t fucking kidding. But things are going fine as I walk down the streets hunched under my umbrella trying to block the wind and the rain from completely destroying my hair cuz god forbid I should get there looking Bellatrix Lestrange. Going fine until I am about half way there that is. Then mother nature decides to blow a massive gust of wind turning my umbrella inside out and hurling it with me in tow into a construction fence with a rather loud, attention drawing BANG courtesy of some big sign we had just knocked over. I curse and wrestle against the gale force winds refusing to give up on my umbrella without a fight. I still had about 5 blocks to go! But mother nature? She had a one track mind and kicked that umbrella’s ass like she was Buffy the vampire slayer on a bad day and my umbrella was some sensitive sparkly Emo vampire named Edward.

I wrestle with it the rest of the way, trying to keep as dry as possible but to no avail...the torrential downpour battering down on me is relentless. And the wind, still not satisfied with ripping my umbrella to shreds is still thirsty for that last piece of it and not letting up in the least til it gets it.

But I make it! I am at the academie standing outside but now instead struggling to get it working enough to keep me sheltered from the weather, I am struggling to close the damn thing. But all the little spines were now poking out all over the place at odd angles and so I am now fighting another battle entirely. And yes this place it ALL window looking out onto the street. My insecure self is convinced that everyone from inside is surely watching my epic struggle, the likes of even the most seasoned of the sword masters have never seen! I panic. Dear god if I can’t handle a mere umbrella how will I be able to wield a rapier?

I manage to get it kind of halfway closed but spines are still sticking out in various places, the fabric is soaked, floppy and pathetic looking and the entire thing is bent at an angle not natural for a healthy umbrella. But I admit defeat because it just ain't going to get any better than that. So now I open the door and swoosh into the academie on a gust of wind and although I don’t dare look up, my paranoid self simply KNOWS all eyes are on me. The wind has done damage to my hair the likes of only a mix master could accomplish, my face is tear stained from the wind stinging my eyes, I am sniffling from the cold, I got soggy, brightly colored fall leaves stuck in a vast array to my high heeled black boots, and I am dripping wet.

On the bright side from that point things can only get better right? Let’s hope so because I haven’t even mentioned the falcons they have there…..and if you recall certain past experiences, me and animals? Not a good mix….

Saying farewell to the bachelorette diet

I know I promised a witty post, but nothing all that witty is going on...lol...maybe someday soon.

Let the healing begin! I started the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) on Tuesday September 7. (Basically the following is not allowed: sugar in any form, any grains, so no breads, pasta, granola, etc , no starchy veggies like potatoes, no RUM or chocolate…) It hasn’t been all fun and games let me tell ya. Well the week before was, though sadly so. I allowed myself to indulge in all the things I wouldn’t be able to have once I started on this diet. Plus I was NOT going to let go to waste my homemade perogies and cabbage rolls in the freezer. I cried a lot. I know that is SO pathetic, but with each last bite or sip of one of my favourite things I teared up. Mock me if you will but I love my food, my Starbucks Chai Lattes and of course my rum and cokes. I can’t imagine being without them for a year or two or three. Course there was the underlying issue of, “I just got back on my feet after the last bullshit, why is this happening to me?” Pity parties are allowed for a time but then at some point you have to put your big girl panties on and just deal with it cuz what else are ya gonna do?

I armed myself with knowledge of this SCD and even bought a couple of SCD recipe books. There are also tons of sites on the net with recipes and support. A real nice lady, Gail, even emailed me a tone of links. So many people have gone on this diet so at least I’m in good company.

The last two weeks have been a busy time of clearing out my fridge and cupboards of things I can no longer have, which was basically a good 99% of what was in them. Then I did a lot of shopping to restock things I CAN have. I also had to buy kitchen-y things like baking sheets, loaf pans, spatulas, etc for cooking these SCD recipes. I felt like a 20 year old moving out of the house for the first time. Okay I admit it, I was the bachelorette type. I was happy with just a toasted tomato sandwich for dinner or grabbing a couple slices of pizza on the way home, or even a Subway sandwich. “Cooking a meal” was something I very rarely did. I live alone, have only myself to cook for so why go through the hassle? There’re other things I would rather spend my time on than cooking. Sure occasionally I went all out and made those homemade perogies and cabbage rolls, but even then portions would get put into the freezer only to later be conveniently reheated.

But now? Not so simple. Everything I buy or consume, I have to think first “can I eat this?” Going out to eat is a thing of the past for now. And people have been laughing at my grumbling about having to cook now but this is beyond cooking. Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING has to be made from scratch. Bread (only with nut flour, no yeast), tomato sauce, ketchup, mayo, soup…. There is NOTHING out of a can/jar/container that I can have since it ALL has sugar in it, even something as basic as soup stock.

One blessing in all this is I can still have wine though it must be dry. But hey, while there is wine there is hope…

As if almost dying from laxatives wasn't bad enough...lol

Okay so normally I try to be somewhat entertaining and god knows my life supplies plenty of material for that. But the following post may lack much hilarity but I have to post it cuz I am tired of having to type it all out for everyone who’s asking…lol…I'm certainly not posting it up cuz I wanna do the wah me thing to y'all. And sorry it’s a long read, but I promise to make all this up with a witty post asap!

My previously mentioned colonoscopy was all “A” okay ‘cept for one bit that seemed” misshapen”. Since I was whacked out on sedatives during the doc’s explanation that’s about as detailed as I can get….lol. Anyways that led to me getting a CT Scan which led to the discovery that despite my lack of symptoms whatsoever I have severe Crohn’s Disease. I no I am not questioning the diagnosis since it’s all there in black and white. As much as I don’t want this, I got it.

So he discusses treatment with me which of course only involves on choice, medication. This particular one works by suppressing your immune system and stopping the disease from progressing. (Crohn’s is considered an autoimmune disorder, with the immune system running overload. So hey let suppress it as opposed to…umm…fixing it? Yeeaaahhhhh ) And if that doesn’t set off warning bells in my head the fact that I would have to undergo regular blood work to detect any liver enlargement, bone marrow loss and cancer certainly has them ringing in deafening tones.

Now the thing with me and not having any symptoms is that I never know when the disease is actually active. My bowel could have been looking exactly like this for years, or it could be getting progressively worse as we speak. And if I hadn’t gone in for my regular colonoscopy I wouldn’t even have known. So the other option he gave me was to not take anything and get retested in a year and compare.

Too much to decide on the spot so I ask him to write down the name of the med he wants me to take and I’ll think about it. He writes it down but then warns me off looking it up on the internet. “The internet is a dangerous place,” he says,” you’ll read all kinds of scary things like cancer…” Umm okay so you want my to just blindly take a medication without thought, without looking into it myself to make an informed decision about what I put into MY body that’s going to affect MY health and? Are you joking?

So after going for lunch with a friend and indulging excessively in cool and refreshing beverages of the alcoholic kind, I start my research. Aside from the possible liver enlargement and bone marrow loss, the regular side effects I can expect are: hair loss, fatigue and of course a suppressed immune system, causing me to catch everyone’s cold and flu that I even remotely come in contact with. Oh and lets not forget this cancer thing. The drug is actually considered a carcinogen. Now if he cared to look he would know that every person on my mom’s side of the family has died of cancer. I’m about as high risk as you can get. So is it really a good idea to take a carcinogen? Call me crazy but I think not.

Further research reveals a few support forums for those suffering from this disease. Every person who’s on meds talks about less flare-ups, no flare-ups, remission, remission is over have to change meds, etc. Not one person actually talks about healing. Yet everyone on this Specific Carbohydrate Diet talks about getting better to the point of actual healing….tests even showing no more disease.

So my plan of attack is no meds, do the diet and I seeing a naturopath who practises a variety of things like, herbal medicine, ancient Chinese medicine, acupuncture and homeopathy. I wanted one who knows a variety of treatments in the hopes he’d know what will work best. Since my disease is severe I wanted to compliment the diet with some natural treatments. Also the problem with me not having any symptoms it will be hard for me to know what’s working until I get retested in a year so I figure do as much as I can. The diet will be hard, but the diet I follow right now during the week is almost the same: no sugar, no bad carbs. There are a few other things I would have to cut out and also my weekends of having whatever I want will be now a distant memory. This diet has to be followed 100% until you are completely healed, them some cheating is allowed.

I actually would really like to do the worm therapy. Yes, you ingest hookworms, but yes it actually cures the disease. They don’t reproduce on your system and you can take a pill at any time to get rid of them. And no they aren’t like the ones that eat your brain…lol. Those who have been on it are healed and now enjoying indulging in all those previously forbidden foods. How does it work? “In order to live as a parasite inside the human, the parasite must convince the host's immune system to chill and not try to reject it. With hookworms, they secrete a chemical that distracts the immune system, dampening down its response. Hookworms are common in undeveloped countries, places where inflammatory bowel disease is rare. Studies suggest the presence of hookworms in the human gut may be beneficial, secreting a chemical that turns off an overactive immune response.” (credit http://cbs5.com/health/hookworm.treatment.therapy.2.1016319.html)

I would really like to do this. It’s certainly less effort that following the diet 100%. And it seems to correct the immune system which is something that I really would like. My ONLY problem with the worm therapy is the $3,900 price tag. Getting better shouldn’t cost so much….

This all sucks and yeah I spent a good two days existing in the depths of despair. But at some point I found my big girl panties and my fuck you attitude and I feel energized now and ready to take on the world………………..without chocolate…-sighs-…but at least I’ll still be able to have wine.

Who needs that silly blood pressure thing anyways?

During my last physical I mentioned I was due for a colonoscopy. I was blessed with a talented colon; it possesses the innate ability to grow potentially precancerous polyps at an age where I shouldn’t even be remotely thinking about them. (I’m not THAT old!) So lucky me has to have this procedure every 5 years or so to have them removed.

So my spiffy new doctor sends me to a spiffy new gastroenterologist. It came up in conversation that I only take half the “prep”. Prep being all the shit they make you take the day before the procedure to ensure your colon is sparkly clean enough to eat off of. Wha?? He tells me they have newer gentler stuff and that I should take the whole thing.

Fast forward to day before procedure. The two packets of stuff I had to take during the say made me agree with him wholeheartedly, hey this wasn’t so bad at all. It even tasted better than that other shit that I’m sure was some sort of mixture of trucker cab mattress squeezings and nuclear waste along with the obligatory hint of lemon. So far so good except that my first foray into the bathroom yielded a horrible discovery…MY TOILET IS SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY BROKEN. Are you kidding me?! Now of ALL times!? I jimmy it, to make it kinda work cuz at this point I am NOT having anyone over.

Before bed I had to take two tablets of something, although at this point I KNOW I got nothing left in me but I trusted this new doc about taking it all. About 5am I’m forced to bound from my bed for more purging fun….aka some INCREDIBLY INTENSE purging fun. Problem is there is nothing left in me and I wonder at what point when there’s nothing left does your body start purging vital organs? And then my body starts to feel REALLY inexplicably fucked up. My temp suddenly spikes and I instantly start pouring sweat. I don't know what to do cuz I can in no way get up to get the phone and call like maybe 911. Besides my place is kinda messy and do I want paramedics over? Imminent death vs guys seeing my messy apartment…hmmmm. Finally I am able to venture out. I get up but my legs feel like pliable rubber. I stumble and then promptly faint.

Each time I woke up I tried to get to the phone, but my body would do the “no we are laying down again RIGHT NOW” thing. My legs stayed in rubber mode, my head swam, I was cared shitless…pardon the pun. It took me about two and a half hours and a visually entertaining combination of staggering, fainting, crawling, stubborn determination (because I refuse to die from laxatives, I just REFUSE! I survived a wolf, I can survive shitting) and fervently praying but I finally made it to the phone! Ha ha victory! Fuck you, you can’t keep a good girl down! I call the clinic where I will be having the procedure. Relief flows over me when someone answers and I know that surely they will send a team over right away to tend to my dying personage. I tell her what’s happening to me and she says to me in a sing song happy cheery voice that it's just a reaction to the prep, don’t worry. Wtf? I repeat – I keep fainting! "Oh yeah it’s just your blood pressure dropping that can happen don't worry, just drink lots of water." Dumbfounded doesn’t even begin to describe what I was feeling at that point.

In the end I survived the purging, dangerously low blood pressure, slight concussion, dehydration and the vast disappointment of only getting some lame ass sedative that was no fun at all instead of the highly anticipated shot of Demerol. Fuckers…

I am in a quiet room

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die

by Mary Frye


Still miss ya mom, even though I know you're around and even with that thwap on the head....it might take a few more for me to get it as dense as I am...lol