Trial by fire

This post is more for me than anyone and I don't expect anyone to suffer through it. It's pretty personal but not too much so that I feel embarassed by it. Though those that are close to me will probably like to know what's going through my mind. This is a mental purging of sorts, something I needed to write to get out. As with any emotion I always need to write.It's so very good for the soul.

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I’ve been on a carnival ride lately….albeit an emotional one. For the past week I’ve been on my own personal emotional rollercoaster that’s been taking me for the ride of my life and won’t let me off. It’s no wonder too. In the past 3 weeks I have felt deeply just about every emotion you could possibly imagine. Shock, despair, devastation, hurt, anger, rage, pure happiness and joy, fun, love….you name it I visited it recently.

Last time I was on this kind of roller coaster was right before I was diagnosed with depression. I’m not worried though. Last time it was situational and I am not chronic. Plus I have the skills now to cope and I honestly don’t “feel” like I am going there. Besides the roller coaster I feel overwhelmed as well and no wonder…with all I have been feeling lately. Keith (aka super duper naturopath type person) told me I am delving back into the feelings of depression because I “forgot” something when I was there the last time, didn’t learn something that I shoulda, didn’t take something away that I should have, didn’t change in a way that I should have. I did change a lot after going through severe depression. I learned a lot for sure and don’t regret for a moment going through it and I would certainly go through it again for what I learned. I became a much better person for it. But funny enough for the last two days I had been thinking just the same thing. I learned, I changed, but there was still something missing. I “kinda” got who I wanted to be, who I was, but wasn’t quite there yet. So who knows as of yet what I didn’t take with me last time. How will I know when I find it? Well I dunno…lol…

He did say I need to grieve. I need to let my emotions happen, feel them, let them out. How did I get so bad at doing that? Sucking it up over and over I guess. On the bus ride home I thought, how does one grieve properly? How do you know if you’re doing it right? Are you just sad for a while and cry a lot? And how do you know when it’s over? Did I grieve enough for my mom or are there still vestiges of that left to deal with too? How do I grieve for Wayne when I can’t feel the “missing” of his presence?

When I got home and began to make dinner, a spicy fiery meal to compliment this “cleansing by fire”. I thought about my friend Wayne who had just passed before Christmas. I allowed my mind to go where it would. Wayne and I, although we’d been friends for over 20 years, didn’t spend much time together ever since he got with his wife. She was insecure about our friendship. We often talked about meeting up for lunch during the day when she was at work but never did. I am sure he wasn’t comfortable with that really and respected his wife’s feelings. I accepted that. But that acceptance changes when that friend dies. And now it hit me then what was bothering me the most. To him I wasn’t a good enough friend for him to deal with that and make it right. I wasn’t important enough to him to make the effort to see me. Whether or not that’s all the truth of it doesn’t matter, because that’s how I feel. I sobbed heartily over this, I still am actually. Hurt…I feel an awful, AWFUL lot of hurt.

Then I got to thinking of all my other male friends, Steve, Keith, an old friend Tracey, Al, ALL have significant others who don’t like them spending time with me. Jayzuz. Most I only can spend time with if they lie to their girlfriends about it. Honestly if I wanted to be with any of these men I would be….would have been, a LONG time ago. Maybe I should be flattered that these women view me as some irresistible siren for who their men have absolutely no strength to fight. But in the end I am robbed of time with a good friend, robbed of saying goodbye, of one last chat, one last hug, one last shared smile, one last shared laugh. And all because of a women’s insecurity and inability to deal with it? How do I deal with that? I lost SO much because through my times with Wayne I gained so much…if that makes sense. So much laughter, so many good times, and so many good times with my family, so much good advice, such a big shoulder to cry on and he IS the one who brought me out of my shyness. It’s so very true. You never realize how important someone is to you until you lose them.

Keith says I am going through a very powerful time right now….and I agree. So very many emotions all at once, bombarding me, overwhelming me, taking me under and making not want to resist them anymore. I have already felt a shift in myself, a change for the better. I can imagine after all is said and done, after all the healing is complete, I shall emerge a different person…again for the better. Transformed by this cleansing through fire, cleansed of all my ills and renewed….reborn.

This is a journey for sure, a long tough one, but in the end I am sure worth every bit of pain, every tear, every day of not having chocolate. I can actually hardly wait to meet the person I will become.