Feeling Punk'd

I finally gave in, after ALL this time holding out I caved. I bought a cell phone. My reasoning for not having was simple really, I don’t answer the phone at home, why would I want to carry around something I don’t answer? But pay phones are getting few an far between, damn them, and I have found myself more and more needing to make a call and not being able to find one.

But the thing about it is, I didn’t want to have 2 phones so I thought I’d replace my land line with a cell if I could find the right plan. Now my problem is that most of my time spent on the phone is long distance. Yeah leave it to me to live in a city far away from both friends and family. So after spending a good two hours with Wade the dynamic sales guy, I ended up with this phone that allows you to make long distance calls through a wireless router, at anytime in the day everyday, basically free aside from the monthly rate. Sounds all spiffy til I get home and try and get the damn thing to work. After a few hours of cursing and swearing I phone the Rogers support line, cuz gee that’s where I got the phone from. The guy had no idea what I was talking about and after trying to explain to him for the fourth time he finally just said, “oh we don’t do that, you need to call Fido.”

-twitch-

By this time I had lost whatever semblance of patience I manage to hold to on a daily basis and, yes, I actually yelled into the phone, “It’s a Rogers phone!!! I bought it at Rogers five hours ago!!!”

Anyways I managed to get it to work and after a week or so of using it, it’s a piece of shit and makes me want to talk on the phone even less then I did before. Only another 3 years to go on the contract….

This got me to thinking about other customer service nightmares I have been through. Like the time I had to mail a small package. Sounds simple right? Not so fast. I was at work and the address was for a post box at the main post office (where all the mail gets processed) which is only 5 blocks away, so I decide to just walk it over. I get up to the counter and I can actually SEE the post box several feet behind the guy who comes over to help me. I point over his shoulder at the post box and say,

“I want to put this in there.”

He promptly grabs it and puts it on the scale and tells me “that will be $5.95.”

-blink-

“But I just want it to go right in there.”

“Yeah but you still have to pay.”

“Fine, how much again?”

“Do you want standard or overnight delivery?”

My lips then part as all sorts of replies ripple through my mind like clowns dancing around center ring. I can even here the circus music echoing in the background. In the end I chose the best answer I could come up with,

“Standard is fine….”

Then there was the car rental when my friend came out to visit me for the weekend. Go pick her up at the airport, get a car there and then I can drop her off when she leaves and just bus it home. Simple right? Not so fast. I get there and tell them I have a reservation. She then asks me for my boarding pass. I look around briefly to make sure I am actually in the car rental place and not about to board a flight for Tahiti.

“I don’t have one”

“Well you need one”

“To rent a car? I’ll be the one driving it, I am not expecting a full crew and a pilot.”

“Well we only rent to people flying in and out of Vancouver.”

My eyes glance about looking for the camera because surely I’m on a show like punk'd or something. Or maybe I’ve fallen into some alternate reality where my life is now very similar to a Seinfeld episode. Something…anything because this makes no sense whatsoever.

“It didn’t say that when I made the reservation.”

“Well it’s under terms and conditions” (yeah you know that 2 page long document typed in 5 point font that no one in their right mind ever reads? Yeah that one)

“So you are telling me you won’t rent me a car.”

“That’s right.”

I’ll stop there cuz what I said next is not fit for human consumption. At least they didn't call security...lol

Happy Canada Day!

WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?
 
1. Smarties
 
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
 
3. The size of our football fields and one less down
 
4. Baseball is Canadian
 
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
 
6. Hockey is Canadian
 
7. Basketball is Canadian
 
8. Apple pie is Canadian
 
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers' ass
 
10. Tim Hortons kicks Krispy Kreme's ass
 
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back ... past Their 'White House'. Then we burned it and most of Washington,under the command of William Lyon Mackenzie King who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied ... Go figure ...
 
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
 
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone ... anywhere .EVER.
 
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.
 
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing .. but showed up just in time to get caught.
 
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
 
17. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
 
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
 
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
 
20. We don't marry our kin-folk.
 
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin,zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
 
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
 
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
 
24. We have coloured money.
 
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass
 
BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
 
24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on!



Salutes! Happy Canada Day everyone!

Beware of cannibalism and false mountings...

As you may know I live in a very multicultural city. This can be really neat at times, or frustrating or irritating or it can also be a vast source of amusement. Take for instance the language barriers and things like trying to explain to 3 Asian girls on the bus what "oopsy daisy" means. Hell I don’t even know if that’s the way to spell it. And I have to admire someone who comes to a foreign country and opens a business. You either have to be very brave or utterly clueless, I am not sure which. Maybe a little of both.

Now there’s this nice Asian guy who owns a counter at the food court across the street from work. It’s a Mexican/sandwich place cuz god knows people from other countries can hardly ever stick with just one thing. There’s a Filipino place near me called appropriately enough Fiesta Filipino! It’s a grocery store/video rental/hair and nail salon. (they sell fish flavoured potato chips because who doesn’t ever crave the taste of fish during late night snacking time? Or when you are PMSing…oh yeah fuck chocolate, it’s fish all the way baby!) So anyway, back to the guy across from work. He makes party trays of sandwiches which works well for us since we often have a lot of meetings and such. So one time one of the girls got his business card. It actually said, underneath the name of the business, “homemade soups and FLESH sandwiches”. I am trying to figure out if the guy who printed them was also Asian and had no idea, or if he knew but simply snickered when the order was placed, rationalizing that he’s giving him exactly what he asked for. I am wondering if he found a sharp drop in business after he started handing those puppies out?

The other day we all got pedometers at work. (made it China of course cuz what isn’t?) It didn’t take long for someone to point out the instructions that were on a small piece of paper that came along with them.

“Mounting: Attach device securely to your waistband or belt, close to the center of your body. False mounting will possibly arouse inaccurate results.”

Yes that’s exactly what it says word for word. At this point I am looking for the button that sets the thing to vibrating and wondering how on earth you can mount something so small. Or maybe if I read further down the instructions there will be a website from where I can order all sorts of erotic attachments. Walking could never be the same again!

All that got me to remembering this little news story from way back, yes ladies, remember those Passion Pants?

click here for Passion Pants

I won’t be blogging again til next week. My friend is coming in town to visit, so we can plan, plan, and plan for our trip. Drinking profusely WILL be in there somewhere I am quite certain. We’ll need something to wash those fish flavoured chips down…..

Trip Planning Trial and Tribulations

So being the anal perfectionist that I am, I have been diligently planning our trip to England and France which is to happen for three weeks in September. Everything is pretty planned out and hopefully things will all go smoothly, though there’s still lots to be done and with it being less than three months away I am beginning to feel stressed. There still so much to do!

Now there have been some glitches in the planning process that have had me pulling out my hair in frustration. One is that apparently the British people don’t really believe in addresses. For instance the address for the bus station in Stratford-upon-Avon, is “Riverside bus station”. Yep that’s it, that’s all you get. Try looking that up on google maps!

Another is getting into Glastonbury. Our bus doesn’t go there, why I have no idea. I have emailed the bus guys a few times about this and each time they give me an answer that really has nothing to do with what I asked, or it’s so obscure it makes no sense whatsoever. I did note that in all instances it was a male that emailed me back. Coincidence? I think not. I think that’s a well established fact that men will never ask for directions. So of course it would stand to reason that they wouldn’t know how to answer a question ABOUT directions. Where’s a woman when you need one? Anyways, the bus does go to a town close by, where you can catch a regular bus into Glastonbury. Sounds okay right? Not so fast. The National Express bus gets in there AFTER the last bus for Glastonbury leaves for the night. At this point I think I was alternating between screaming and moaning, whilst pulling my hair and eerily rocking back and forth in my chair.

And another glitch since I am on a roll….after some perusing around a site I found that one of the tours we wanted to go on is already sold out for the days that we are going to be there. In a panic I booked one of the other tours we wanted to go to in this town though there was only one night left and it screws up our schedule. So I spent the next few hours staring at our schedule like a deer caught in the headlights trying to figure out how we are going to work this out. In the end we discussed renting a car for this leg of the trip.

Now I don’t own a car and I can’t remember the last time that I drove. So that’s a small issue right there. But on the one hand I think, steering wheel on the other side of the car, driving on the left hand side of the road…shouldn’t be a big deal right? It’s just driving. On the other hand I am afraid that some part of my brain will be listening to my puckered ass and screaming, “YOU’RE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD YOU FUCKING MORON!” In the end Trish said she’ll drive, as she drives all the time anyways,(just not with the steering wheel in the wrong place nor on the wrong side of the road, but who’s keeping track?) Another plus is I am an excellent navigator, so we’ll make a good team and there should be nothing to worry about right?

Well not so fast, maybe there is! I bought a “French for Travelers” CD complete with a follow along book to learn some French for fun, since we are going to be spending some time there. Now curiously in one chapter they teach you how to say “I would like a lawyer”. WTF?! All kinds of vivid scenarios began playing through my frightened mind wherein we would actually have need of a lawyer. I then frantically began rifling through the book to see if there was a chapter where they taught you things like, “I would like to request my own cell”, and “I get the top bunk”, and hey may as well learn to say, “I am NOT your bitch!” while I’m at it.

Wow I could go on and on but time to go. I’ll add in here though my “weigh in” that I owe and am behind on. I am thrilled to say that I have lost a totally of 2 inches off my waist and 2 off my hips! My goal was 3 for both so am almost there and I can’t say how happy I am that. I am starting to love my body again and feel more in shape and stronger every day. Yay me!

Channeling Elizabeth

Help! I’ve started shopping and I can’t stop! Yes me. Normally I dislike shopping. All that searching through racks of clothing, then trying on a ton of stuff only to find that none of it fits right, leaving me to feel like some sort of freak of nature. It would seem that I mysteriously fall in between sizes, the one being too big and the other being too small, like I’ve fallen in some sort of fashion size purgatory.

So anyway this all started when my sister came down last Saturday. We literally shopped almost non stop, only pausing to eat, drink and sleep. Oh and drive from store to store too. Park Royal Village, the Quay and Little India here, then the outlet mall across the border and finally Seattle. Gasp. We spent money like Elizabeth Taylor…she would be so proud. Now my sister left on Wednesday, but today I had to go and buy the new couch that I had spotted while we were shopping on Sunday. And YES I need a new one….BADLY! The one I have now is old, as in 15 years old and has seen the raising of three dogs and a boyfriend. NOT pretty! I’ll secretly admit that I love sleeping on it and only just recently forced myself back into my bed after two years away from it. See if I sleep in my bed I tend to roll onto my tummy which since my back injury is bad…very bad. On the couch I can put my feet up over the back and also can’t roll over onto my tummy which does wonders for my lower back, I actually wake up without pain. (Yes I have gotten to that age where even sleeping hurts) So I am having a small case of separation anxiety from my old couch friend but my new couch is so spiffy! Here it is but you have to picture it in sage green click here Now the pic makes it look small, but it’s actually about twice the size that you may be thinking. My sister and I fit in it together nicely. So cool huh? This is the great thing about being on your own without kids, you can buy funky things like this. Oh and the fabric is oh so soft. I can hardly wait to squirm my naked body all over it! Giddyup!

But I digress. As I was going to get the couch I noticed a sale of one of my fav lines of clothes and got totally sucked in. But at least I bought all things that I needed. Honest I did. But the shopping must come to an end as I have that little trip to save up for...that's in three months and YES I am starting to stress! But more on that another time.

My sister and I also had dinner with my buddy Jon again and had a great time. Went to Iver’s and the food was awesome! We had a lot of fun and I don’t think we terrorized him too too much. The next day we went to Kell’s which is close to Pike Place Market. It’s an Irish pub and if you’ve been keeping notes you’ll remember I had gone to the one in Portland. The food there is amazing and the owner, an incredibly charming older woman with the thick Irish brogue even came and chatted with us. Told us her soda bread recipe was from her grandmother who used to bake it at a road house she owned in Ireland. That bread was to die for!

So my sister gone and my livingroom is strewn with all my new purchases and baggage which I have yet to put away. But…it’s not going anywhere. (Unlike this fresh bottle of Lemon Hart over-proof rum –winks-)

“the whirligig of time…”

The whirligig of time, Twelfth Night, Shakespeare…

I saw this play last night at the Bard on the Beach festival that happens every year here in Vancouver. I go every year, and love love love it! They have it on the beach, obviously, in a huge tent near downtown. We froze our asses off but had a great time and the play was hilarious! Bonus is, I get to see it again in a few weeks with my friend when she comes to visit me.

So anyways, thus the title of this post, time seems to be racing along and I am having a hard time keeping up. Geez I have been busy! Trying to still do some planning for our trip which seems to be coming up quick! Gah! And not one but two guests coming to visit me this month. Still purging some odds and ends I happen to find and cleaning my apartment in preparation for my sister’s arrival later today. We haven’t seen each other in a year and a half! I can’t believe it’s been that long, probably the longest ever. We will be taking a bit of a trip, down to the outlet mall across the border then down to Seattle for a couple days. I am excited! I love road trips and the ability to buy my favourite rum in it’s over-proof form.

Other than cleaning, we had a huge event put on by my work. It was a lot of work and stress and I put in extra hours for that, but it’s all good. And omg I had a migraine in my eye this week! I never heard of such a thing before and man was it painful. How does my body think this shit up anyways?

I also saw Diane on Tuesday. She does your astrology chart, reads tarot cards, is psychic I guess the word is and believe it or not she can also communicate with the dead if they happen to be around. My mother came through for the first time ever! Apparently she’s all giddy with excitement for my trip to Europe in the fall. My mom loved traveling but certainly never got to travel as much as she liked in her lifetime. Diane said that mom was saying that I am getting to do what she has always wanted to do. For you skeptics out there she also said that she is up there with Elizabeth…Betty…and my mom’s mom’s name was Elizabeth but everyone called her Betty. Diane also said that there’s a small child with mom, someone who passed in the womb. My sister in law had a miscarriage before my mom passed away, and was pregnant with a second that my mom never made it to see. Mom always wanted grandchildren so bad….she even had Diane tell me that there’s still time for me. Geez mom, the eggs have surely started to rot by now. Besides that I am sure my tubes have tied themselves, tighter each time I hear a screaming, misbehaving spawn of someone...

Anyways I could go on and on about my session with Diane, and perhaps I will another time. It’s was all very exciting. But for now I got a ton of things to do, so until next time…

Wanted, one good man....(sad to say I know....)

Mood=positive
Playing=Taking My Life Away, Default
Alcohol units=2 (so far…hey it’s the long weekend)

The purging continues but that’ll be going for a while now. It’s weird the shit I find. Do I need phone bills from 2001? I don’t think so…..But I found a investment I forgot I had so I am pondering cashing it in and paying off a card and buying a new couch cuz god fricken knows I need one. This one has seen WAY too many CornNuts and dribbles of rum, tea and wine…..

I could have used a rent-a-husband this weekend. See, I had a bit of a tiff with my ex, whom I would normally sweet talk to do shit for me, and this weekend I really had some things that needed to be done and certainly missed his handiness. I bought a large blind for my dining room window where the sun streams in, during the afternoon and when it’s 29 fricken degrees Celsius that’s just not pretty. It always amazes me how just sitting on the couch and staring off into space in a vegetative state can cause me to break out in a profusive sweat…but YES! It’s that hot in my apartment!

So anyways I buy this blind and managed to get it on the crowded bus without bashing TOO many heads with it…(I’m sorry only goes so far) Then of course when I get off the bus I had to lug it another 5 blocks IN THE SWELTERING HEAT only to get home, take it out of the box and find a part missing. –seethes-

Now after this tiff with my ex I really don’t have anyone to call and say hey can I use you unashamedly to take me back to the store so I can do an exchange? I also don’t have anyone to call and say hey can you come over and drill a few pilot holes so I can put this blind up and while you’re at it you may as well just do the whole damn thing for me. And I also don’t have anyone to come over and fix the god forsaken bedroom ceiling fan which picks the hottest day of the year to fricken break. And let’s not forget my overly large desk that I have wanted to get rid of for the past 6 months, but everyone that says they are gonna do it for me never steps up. Seriously 20 minutes…get it out of my apartment and take it down to the Sally Ann! I’ll pay you! –pulls hair-

I pride myself on being independent, I’ve even fixed my own toilet, but my skills only go so far, and I think it’s best to stay way from any electrical work fixing the ceiling fan may elicit. So yeah any men out there wanting to make good money on the side? Rent-a-husband….do it, you’ll be rich in no time and think of all the single women you’ll get to meet!

Wow this was so not where I intended my blog to go today….lol