Adventures in Dating Part Seven/Happy Canada Day

Thought I would combine something Canadian-ish with something reflecting my adventures in dating. (Only some of you will get how this really applies...lol)

Adventures in Dating Part Six

I recently began seeing a new doctor. I had begun to get the very distinct feeling that I was wearing out my welcome with the old one. Not my fault of course…-insert shifty eyes and a slight clearing of the throat here-! It’s certainly not that I LIKE going to the doctor. Weird shit just happens to me and those that know me are nodding their heads in collective agreement as we speak.You just don’t make up shit like almost losing an eye due to a Pilates band mishap, hiking+low lying branches=more eye mishaps, or having my new $100 Calvin Klein bra (the only one in the entire store that is my size because apparently I am some sort of freak) give me a lump the size of a large olive on my boob convincing me I had an advance stage of breast cancer, leaving me with mere hours to live. But come on, at least she wasn’t around for the whole “wolf thinking me tasty” experience or the “attack of the perverted/in the top ten of most painful stings/I’m gonna start stinging like there’s no tomorrow only AFTER making my way the inside of your pants” wasp attack. And let’s face it, my time could be better spent doing other things like staring blankly at my computer screen rather than waiting in her office for at LEAST an hour and a half every single time for her perpetually behind ass to work it’s way up to my turn.

Plus the woman had absolutely no sense of humour whatsoever and believe me with the shit I go to her for there’s a whole wealth of things to snicker about. Like the time I finally caved and went on the antidepressants. Well excuse me for freaking out but no one thought to inform me of the possibility of a “certain” little side effect. And no, not so little….least in my opinion. I didn’t have much in my life at the time but at least I had that…HAD being the operative word here. Upon discovery I immediately raced over to her office demanding to be seen right away due to the horrific side effect the medication SHE put me on was causing. She came into the room with her usual look of “here we go again” on her face.

Me looking panicked: I can’t have an orgasm

Her with evil taunting gleam in her eye disguised as feigned interest if that makes sense: With a partner or by yourself?

(yeah thanks for that…just had to throw that in…LIKE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE???)

Me screaming said above statement in my head: By myself

Her: Is it that you can’t or that it takes a really long time?

Me with quirked poignant brow: Well how long does it take? I only have two hands…

Nothing. I got nothing and I have to say that as those words left my mouth even I found it funny. But seriously wtf? Like depression isn’t bad enough the supposed “cure” takes away even that last bit of pleasure you get out of life? Someone somewhere has a really f*cked up sense of humour….

(btw, apologies to immediate family members for previous posting…TMI….I know I know….)

So anyways I have a new doctor and like all new doctor she’s got that keener thing going on like there’s no tomorrow. I was due for a complete physical and she sent me for the works and I do mean ‘the works”. One thing she was concerned about was the history of cancer in my family and so suggested that perhaps I might be a candidate for that genetic testing stuff. She did warn me however that I should get some life insurance in place first, because if I tested positive I would have a hard time getting it after that fact. Ignorant of purchasing any kind of insurance I decided to consult my dad, former insurance guy extraordinaire.

Now I’ll just say here that mom and dad raised two very independent daughters, perhaps to a fault. Neither of us has ever married, but hey, we refused to ‘settle”, preferring to be single than put up with guy shit. Although we DO still yet hold out hope for that Mr. Right, that guy with whom we can put up with on a daily basis. I suppose as the years go by in only makes sense that the hope of others slowly dwindles away…..though it’s bad when even your own father no longer holds out much hope…

So I phone dad and explain the situation, asking his advice on buying life insurance. His response?

Dad, voice chalk full of sage advice: What do you need life insurance for? You don’t have kids and you’re not married…

Thanks for the vote of confidence dad!

I think he’s been reading my blog…..

Adventures in Dating Part five

For many years I worked in bars and pubs. I actually miss the job, the hours were awesome, it was usually a fun atmosphere and the money….oh I miss the money! Anyways there was never a lack of guys asking me out. I’d like to say it was the awesomeness that is me but a lot of times it’s cuz you’re the only chick in the bar talking to them. Despite the fact that the only thing you’re saying to them is “do you wannanother?” men being men will still consider this communication from the female species and take it as meaning “she must want me”. I never dated anyone from the pub except for two exceptions. My ex whom I was with for about ten years and “Mr. Completely lacking balls, integrity and caring for anyone’s feelings other than his own I work in the movie industry and so I am great”.

It was after I stopped waitressing that I caved in and accepted a date from a guy who’d been trying for years to get me to go out with him. What the heck I thought, what harm could it do?

I met him at the pub and we immediately left to catch a cab to the Thai restaurant to which he was taking me. As we approached the cab I thought I saw, out of the corner of my eye, him stagger slightly. I dismissed it as just seeing things and got in the cab. By the time we got to the restaurant it was apparent that he had started the party ahead of me…much like “Mr. Coke will make me sober” guy. Wtf? Again? Is the prospect of going on a date with me so daunting that men feel they need to overly fortify themselves with liquor? I’d say maybe it was so terrible that they needed to numb themselves but hey they asked ME out!

I should have left right then and there but it wasn't unitl we were sat at our table and he had ordered a bottle of wine, that it became clear just how drunk he was. Thinking someone needed to take one for the team, the team being me and me being the only player on it, I took it upon myself to drink as much as the wine as possible because there was NO WAY IN HELL he should have been drinking anymore. The F word left his lips at the rapid pace of one per 7.67 seconds and not subtly either. (okay yeah yeah I’m no angel when it comes to the spoken language but come on, a least I don’t spout off in the middle of a nice place on a date) I was more than dreadfully aware of the people around us giving us those “looks”. I wanted to either have the ground swallow me up or leap across the table and ram my knife into his jugular... ANYTHING just to get this experience over with. At the time I guess I was just too…nice?...or too…something?…..to just get up and leave which is what I should have done….with said knife stuck in said jugular. But hey, hindsight is 20/20 right?

As we “enjoyed” our meal, with me doing my best at keeping the wine away from him by chugging it like a pirate on shore leave, it was clear that he was raised in some sort of sect where the use of utensils is frowned upon. He was obviously not very experienced in the handling of any of them. Soon the table around his plate was littered with more food that I would bet he managed to get into his foul mouth. Probably the longest meal I ever endured, but blessed be it was eventually over. He set his plate aside with a satisfying sigh, then proceeded to brush the table scraps into a small pile in front of him. He then placed one hand just underneath the table as the other brushed this pile onto it. I then expected him to put said pile on his plate but nooooooooooo. He brought said pile to his lips, tilted his head back and knocked ‘er all back into his open gaping mouth. I could only sit there and stare in disbelief, wondering how the hell I was going to describe this to anyone because there was just no way anyone outside of his sect was going to believe this!

It ended, thank god, it ended, leaving this yet one more reason for me to fold and walk away from the table in this, the dating game.

Adventures in Dating Part Four

I realize it’s been a long time since I've written something and I have been totally bugged about leaving yet another 'cliff hanger" but geez come on guys, like my life is really something that leaves you hanging in suspence? Anyways, I can’t say exactly why, but I think I may have hit on the possibility yesterday. One thing that’s been glaringly apparent is I haven’t been feeling all that “blogger witty” lately and me being the perfectionist I am…well it just wasn’t happening for me. But another thing that hit me yesterday as I was thinking about my particular subject for this particular post was this-----he was genuinely a really nice guy and deep down I believe he had a good heart. And to be witty would have had me poking fun at him at his expense and I honestly can’t do that. If a guy’s a total shithead then fine, it’s no holds barred. But someone who’s nice, yet had fate shit on him a little makes me not so able to rip him to shreds like so many of the others deserve. So here it is…

He hit me up on the dating site and truth to tell something just wasn’t screaming “giddy-up!” for me with this guy. What it was I couldn’t really say…just one of those ‘gut feelings”. But he persisted and continued to remind me that he was “financially secure for life” and just “wanted to find a partner to have fun in life with”. Well all gut feelings aside, I suppose if a guy’s “financially secure” for life he’s gotta be worth at least a look-see right? I mean it would be stupid to say no to a guy who’s rich and just wants someone to go sail around the world with him right?

Well not so fast. We met up at one of my fav restaurants and he was already there when I showed up. He was dark and good looking but there was just something “off” about his face…something I couldn’t quite pin point. We ordered drinks and our dinners as we talked and began to get to know one another and the whole revelation all came crashing down on me rather quickly. Somewhere amidst having the exact same conversation every 10-15 minutes, it was revealed that the reason he was “financially set for life” was that he was in a motorcycle accident and the city was at fault and so subsequently received a rather healthy settlement……………………because the accident left him slightly brain damaged. And yeah he did drool slightly out of the corner of his mouth. I felt bad for him, sad, sympathetic….he was a great looking guy and before the accident was probably drop dead gorgeous. He was sweet and nice and I gladly spent the dinner with him, despite having the same conversation over and over and over again.

When we parted I could tell he wanted to see me again, but in all honesty it just wasn’t something I could do and yeah I felt like a total shitbag for it too. But unbeknownst to me was that I was a couple months away from being diagnose with severe depression and though I didn’t realize this at the time, I WAS very well aware of the shit I was dealing with in my own life and just didn’t have much left for someone else. It would be a big factor in realizing that I just wasn’t in the right place in my life to start up a relationship, But apparently I still had a few more “dates” left in this adventure before it all these revelations came to the fore.

I suppose now he's found some woman who is totally lacking in morals and integrity who's taken him for all he's worth. "no hunny you only had $75 000, not $750 000!". I truly hope this hasn't happened but knowing women as I do....yeeeeeeeeeeah....

So sorry for the total lack of wittiness in this dating adventure, Yeah he drooled and I could have made all sorts of witty remarks about how I shoulda went with the ”haz mat” suit instead of the halter dress, but I just couldn’t evoke my inner bitch enough to do it.


Dear God! Am I now finally losing my post depression cynicism? Lord help us all…..this blog is doomed.....

Adventures in dating Part Three

So blogger's been a bitch and after beating into submission today I am finally able to get my backlog of posts up. Plus I am off ot Vegas for the week so you get two...two in one day!

So what is it with women? The very thought of a date and we turn into obsessive, hysterical freaks where things like waxing and plucking become matters of life and death. Men don’t go through this why should we? We spend the week before a date agonizing over what to where, (should I show off my legs or my cleavage or both?) making waxing appointments even though we KNOW he isn’t gonna get THAT far. Then there’s the buffing, moisturizing, polishing, plucking, hair appointments, manicures, facials, the abject terror over possibly getting a huge zit right on the tip of your nose…omg who has the time for dating?!

Now the guy….bet he doesn’t put much thought into it all week. Some are probably even likely to forget they have a date in the first place. He probably doesn’t even think about getting ready until about 10 minutes before he’s gotta leave. He showers, runs fingers through his hair and grabs whatever clothes happen to be clean out of his laundry basket cuz he hasn’t bothered to put them away yet. How handy is that, he thinks….

And it doesn’t even stop there. So now you’ve made it through the first date, and then the next several and all of a sudden you are heading towards that thing called ‘exclusiveness”. Obsessing then turns to the old, omg I need to go on the 'new man’s going to see me naked soon' diet. Your workouts become more like boot camps run by sadistic Nurse Ratched types, you starve yourself and deny yourself even such basics such as chocolate and potato chips. You frantically go out and begin buying up all kinds of lingerie even though you have drawers full already.

And him? Well, judging by the number of men who go about shirtless in the summertime, showing off their beer bellies and man boobs, they just might not be as obsessive as we are about their appearance. Call me crazy….but I really don’t think guys obsess over what we’re gonna think when WE see THEM naked.

Is that fair? I think not. Men have it pretty good. They show up and get this perfectly groomed woman who’s been through the bowels of hell to look as good as she does and what do we get? Yeah…it’s all a crap shoot…

Adventures in Dating Part Two

He hit me up on the dating site and we exchanged messages back and forth. He was pretty good looking, in GREAT shape (oh those arms!) and was employed, a few things that are usually near the top of every girl’s wish list. We decided to meet for drinks and I took the time to put extra effort in my appearance, looking forward to this first date and the fun I would surely have just like my friend was having. Now, albeit I WAS late, but he hadn’t explained the location of the place all that well and it took me a long time of wandering about in torturous high heeled strappy shoes before I found the damned place. But that’s okay because he apparently found a way to occupy himself…

with alcoholic beverages.

Trying not to be a total snob (and I WAS new to this thing) I decided to give him a chance. However he continued to drink steadily getting more and more drunk as the evening wore on. But in the end that was okay because he did sober up at the end of the evening…

by doing lines of coke in the bathroom.

Well I can admit defeat as much as the next guy and so made my way home. I don’t recall much else but I do recall him phoning me a day or so later. He just might have been waiting for another date to show up because once again he had obviously been imbibing in more of those time fillers. By far it was one of the most painful conversations I have ever had and having worked in bars for 17 years that’s saying a lot. Of course the topper of this particular conversation was me having to listen to him proceed to puke his brains out without the courtesy of either hanging up on me or at least covering the mouth piece on his phone. But I suppose when your body starts rejecting the contents of your stomach, who thinks of silly little etiquette details? But that’s okay because I took the initiative and hung up on him.

Not a good start to the online dating scene, but undeterred, I was ready to move on and try again. Stay tuned for the drooler.